


Just what you deserve

by seventhstrike



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drama, Family Drama, Gen, Mostly Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstrike/pseuds/seventhstrike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean finally talk about why Sam didn't go looking for Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just what you deserve

**Author's Note:**

> A conversation like this kept playing in my head, so I decided to write it down.

There is only so much a man can take before he snaps.

“Damnit Sammy, stop looking at me like that,” Dean says.

“Like what, Dean?” Sam asks, his wide eyes sad and cruel. Dean feels something clench in his chest, but he knows he can’t afford to give in now. Sam’s puppy dog eyes work on everyone else, but he’s always been immune.

“Stop—stop staring at me like you’re going to cry,” Dean snaps.

“I-I’m not doing that,” Sam stutters. 

“Yes, you are and it’s pissing me off, so stop.” Sam sighs, rolls his eyes, and turns in his seat so that he is leaning on his right side, facing the window of the car. 

Neither of them say anything for ten minutes. 

Dean turns on the radio. 

“Dean,” Sam says, a whine creeping into his voice.

“What?” Dean demands. “Going to complain about my music? Again?” He’s sick of it. He has good musical taste and Sam is an idiot.

“No Dean, I want to actually talk about this.” Now Sam is sitting upright, his legs splayed in front of him, watching Dean intently. Gone are the puppy dog eyes.

“No,” Dean replies.

“No? Dean, dude, you’ve been pissed off at me ever since you got back.”

“No, I haven’t,” Dean grits out. It’s a lie.

“Look, I know you’re pissed off that I didn’t—” Sam stops for a moment and looks out the passenger window. Dean thinks maybe he’s given up. “That I didn’t come looking for you. And I know we always told each other not to and we never did.”

“Yeah, and?” Dean asks, unwilling to admit to anything.

“Dean, I didn’t come looking for you because I thought after all this, it was enough.”

“Enough? So you were ready to just let me die?” 

“No, Dean, I mean—it was enough for me.”

“So you were ready to let me die,” Dean confirms.

“No, damnit. I mean after all the times we’ve fucked up, but gotten out of it, I thought that this was finally it: we’d finally pushed enough and when it came down to it, I—I didn’t deserve to have you back.”

Dean is startled, but then angry. “Me coming back has nothing to do with you.”

“I know that, Dean. But don’t you think that after everything, it’s always been me fucking up and you coming back?”

“No, I don’t Sammy. You were locked in that cage and then you went—” he stops abruptly, not wanting say ‘you went crazy.’ “We’ve both gotten the short end of the stick, alright? There’s no point comparing it.”

“No, I mean, I—after all of this, I was always the fuck up. You were the righteous man. I was the abomination. I didn’t deserve to have you back. I kept thinking, ‘this is what I deserve, this is what I get.’ And I was okay with that.” 

“You were okay with me being dead?” 

“No Dean, fuck, I was okay with being miserable.”

Dean is silent. Sam fidgets. 

“So you didn’t come looking for me because you didn’t think you deserved it?” Dean asks, slowly.

“Yeah… I guess,” Sam says. “I mean, I thought about it. But you vanished. I didn’t know where you were, Cas was gone, Crowley had Kevin. After you disappeared, there was literally no one. I hadn’t heard from Chuck in ages and everyone else—no one was in deep enough to talk to. So I just left.”

“Sam, you are not—a fuck up and I am not the better brother. You’re—you’re my brother and—” 

“Dude, I let you get turned into a vampire, I—”

“Yeah, when you had no soul,” Dean replies.

“It was still me. It was always me.”

The rest of the car ride passes in an awkward silence.


End file.
